Sunday Shopping

Please please please --- remind to never ever EVER going food shopping on a Sunday ever EVER again. Never mind the fact that my local A&P never seems to have enough carts and I inevitably end up perusing around with this teeny, tiny basket loaded to the brim with my Super Crunchy Skippy peanut butter, 10 frozen Lean Cuisines (they were on sale), toilet paper, and cheese (can't digest, but i loves it!). The factor that seems to have the most profound effect on me is not sad homeless man standing out side with an empty box pretending to sell candy, but rather... the endless parade of adoring couples who also feel so inclined to get their weekly shopping down at the exact same moment as me. Seriously? Has Sunday taken over as the new "date night"? Is dinner and movie out and a the deli counter and dairy aisle in? And it isn't even as simple as just couples... it's the couples who have obviously made no concerted effort to discuss an appropriate supermarket attack strategy so as to expedite their trip and really just end up clogging the aisles as they intensely discuss whether or not to get the sugar free or fat free pudding... if trans-fat is really just a gimmick...is one serving really is 100 calories. Oh lordy. It is just goes on and on and on... the enormous amount of label dissection and carbohydrate debate that goes on between these seemingly otherwise intelligent individuals...once they pair up in a retail environment, all hell breaks loose! And I end up suffering!!

But the worst - the absolute worst - is not the discerning consumer couple. The worst of the worst is the PDA couple. ??? What are you doing? In what perverse universe is making out next to the lettuce heads ever appropriate? What in God's name makes the paper products aisle so seductive that these horned-up couples deem in necessary to nibble on each other's ear lobes? I kid you not when I say this past Sunday I wheeled (wrestled a cart from a little old woman) past TWO couples who got caught in the moment...understandably so. I find the International Foods section to have a certain appeal as well. And I also often find it amusing to fog up the windows in the freezer section... I usually ended writing my name in the condensation. They chose ass-cheek prints. And the best was, as I was gawking at this man who had pinned his lady-love against the ice cream freezer, he shot me look as if I was invading their privacy. I laughed audibly as I grabbed my Phish Food - are ya kidding me? Dry-humping next to Ben and Jerry's is hilarious!

Anyway, since Sundays are now off limits for food shopping, maybe now I will have to dedicate at least one hour of my Saturdays, formerly reserved for drinking and shopping (not necessarily in that order), to this necessary event. Although I will no longer feel as though I am being secretly videotaped for some ridiculous VH1 reality show, I might find a cart without having to assault anyone and get through the produce section without witnessing soft-core porn...