Day 9

I think I may have crossed over into shut-in territory. I have been in my apartment for 3 days now, without leaving. Albeit, I do not have many choices in the matter. And yes, I did venture down to the lobby yesterday afternoon to pick up the mail and stick my head outside. The humidity factor is enough of a deterrent. But my in ability to walk is the key factor here. The big going-out event that I am looking forward to this week? Is going to my orthopedist as soon as the MRI results are in. Wow.

On a more positive note, Discovery Chanel is celebrating its 20th anniversary of Shark Week this week. So each minute of each day on DC is consumed with some kind of shark attack type programming. And I am LOVING it. Yesterday, I watched four hours of sharky goodness - including "Great White", "Shark Summer", "Robo Shark", and "Eaten Alive - 5 Worst Shark Attacks Ever". And, for the record, one of my greatest fears is dying by shark attack, so there is a level of anxiety that goes along with this marathon viewing. But I am fascinated! I am enthralled by these clearly mental imbalanced individuals who dive with sharks, ride on the dorsal fins of sharks, shove camera in the mouths of sharks... These adventure-seeker types (which I'd like to think I am in my fantasy world) seem to be overwhelmed by the mystery and grace of sharks. I am more interested to see what the serrated teeth of the tiger shark can do to flesh. I guess that's the clear difference between us. Seriously though, I watched a gray reef shark give birth (a little gross), tiger sharks in a feeding frenzy (amazing) and home video of some moron swimming in shark infested waters being attacked by a great white and pulled under (totally awesome!). It was a very productive - and educational - afternoon for me.

One last thing - someone asked me if this not-walking-thing was going to be the key to weight loss success. I'm going to have to say no. And here's why. Firstly, I am lying within 6 feet of my refrigerator. So, I could actually crawl there if need be to get whatever goodie my growling stomach desires. Secondly, I usually get all of my scheduled activities for the day done by noon. Said activities include Windexing already-clean surfaces, Swiffering the bathroom floor, folding and unfolding and then re-folding clean laundry at the edge of my bed that I still have yet to put away, checking email, catching up on celeb gossip on PerezHilton and TMZ.com, watching a "Will and Grace" episode, fluffing couch pillows, showering and dressing for the day. So by 12:15, I'm looking for something to do. Raiding the kitchen fulfills that need. Thirdly, my daily activities are actually the equivalent to 4-minutes and 12-seconds of walking on the treadmill at the gym. So the burning of calories is quite minimal. I will say this though -- I had like $80 last time I went food shopping and so I did not indulge myself in the usual delicacies - such as Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches and multiple Lean Cuisine pizzas. I kept it simple and down to the basics. Even if I do eat every hour on the hour, my daily intake is limited to turkey sandwiches, air popped popcorn, cereal, bananas, and cheese. Not really doing too much damage to myself. The alcohol consumption is whole other story though...

Reality

You know what is worse than watching Corey Haim and Corey Feldman act? Watching Corey Haim and Corey Feldman NOT act - watching them live in reality. Watching "The 2 Coreys" could be dangerous to your health. Mental, physical and emotional. Calling it a train wreck to end all train wrecks is the biggest understatement of the year. This show is a complete rouse. It is a farce. It is the most absurd thing I have ever witnessed. I was hiding my face under a pillow most of the time because I was sooooo embarrassed for them. The premise of the show, for those of you who missed this highly anticipated premiere, is that Haim (Lucas, Lucaplakia...) moves in with Feldman (Mouth) and his wife. They are preparing to celebrate and promote the 20th anniversary of "The Lost Boys" (has it been that long?!) and to possibly inspire a sequel to the movie. It is widely-known that both Coreys lived a pretty high-paced, promiscuous lifestyle. It is obvious that injecting, ingesting and inhaling every narcotic known to man has left both former-teen idols with some battle wounds and scar - most evident with Haim (sporting very attractive smokers teeth, meth face and drug-impaired speech - even though he's "clean"). Oh geez, it just got worse with every passing minute. Feldman is a pretty together guy, considering his company, and Haim's unintelligible ramblings about not having been laid and wanting to make a come-back (fat chance! oh yea, and he's chubby) make Feldman look like Tom Hanks. Well, not quite. OH! But the best is -- there IS a sequel to TLB being made - withOUT the 2 Coreys. AND Feldman was asked to make a cameo, while Haim was not. Feldman turned it down, because, you know, he's soooo busy with his wife's Stuff Magazine shoot and his work with PETA (I'm so not making any of that up). Oh yea, and his loyalty to his former-partner-in-crime. Literally. Suffice it to say, I am NOT going to recommend this horrid display of nostalgia to discerning viewers. I don't think I could even stomach another episode.

On another note, it is day 8 in Knee Watch 2007. I had the MRI over the weekend. The results go to my orthopedist who will then determine an appropriate course of action. I am so grateful to the peeps who absolutely made my weekend with their acts of selflessness and am happy to report that not every waking (and sleeping) minute was spent in my apartment. However, I am totally sick of t.v. and have suddenly developed a strange case of A.D.D. - I cannot sit still long enough to read more than 5 or 6 pages of my many books on my nightstand! I thought, because I was so restless, that perhaps I had also developed Restless Leg Syndrome...but let that be a lesson that self-diagnosis on WebMD is not always a good thing. I have this strange urge to play board games, but I am alone most of the day...so that's not working out. I am constantly Windexing the kitchen counter top and coffee table, although I cannot explain why - they're not dirty. I refuse to put away my clean clothes TODAY, because I can always do it TOMORROW (I say this to myself everyday and so there they sit, in a pile on the edge of my bed). I cannot bring myself to watch soap operas - because then I feel as though I have crossed over to some middle-America housewife lifestyle that just seems wrong. I am so bored I have invented 6 different ways of categorizing my CD and DVD collections...I won't bore YOU, don't worry. My salvation is in the internet - I am discovering new and interesting websites every day. I am compiling a list...don't worry!

Well, I suppose the reality is - things can ALWAYS be worse. I am grateful to have loving family who, even when they're four time zones aways, are texting and emailing just to let me know they are thinking of me. I am grateful that I only have $60 to get me through the summer, so I don't feel compelled to order unnecessary things online. I am grateful for my central AC, which allows me a pleasant night's sleep. I am grateful that my upstairs neighbors with the toddler moved out before my knee catastrophe - the kid liked to bang pots and pans on the floor over my bedroom in the wee hours of the morning (not an exaggeration). Most of all, I am grateful that I am not Susie Feldman, Corey Feldman's wife, and do not have to look at either of those washed-up so-called actors loafing around my house whining about a come-back (my heart really goes out to her).

Mosquitos, Coreys and Perez - a Love Story

As if my black rubber and Velcro knee brace and hideous metal crutches aren't enough to confirm my sexy starlet status, I woke up this morning with a mosquito bite the size of a quarter....underneath my left eye. And naturally - it swelled. So my face is lopsided. And it is far from cute. Well, thank goodness the endless parade of men through my living room is contained in a 26-inch silver box made by Toshiba and sponsored by Cablevision. And NO. I will not be sending out an email with pictures of my latest physical deformity.

So as I was flipping through the channels this morning, my slight malaise was temporarily averted. There was a commercial for a new A&E reality show starring -- the two Coreys. Reality television has indeed hit an all time low. And if you are wondering to whom I refer (then you are clearly under the age of 24 and are pop-culturally inept), it is none other than Corey Haim and Corey Feldman - living together, clubbing together, freebasing together... again. This time it's being captured on film. Are you kidding me?!?! This is going to be fantastic! It is going to be the train wrecks to end all train wrecks! Yes, I am nauseous that I'm actually excited for its premiere. And yes - I do understand that I am exponentially losing brain cells with every awful reality show that I indulge in. But c'mon. "Dream a Little Dream"..."Lost Boys"... enough said. I look forward to sharing my reviews....

Last thing. I have a new obsession. This might be a little-known fact about me, but I am completely and totally enamored with Hollywood and have been since I was a kid. Movie stars and their private lives are fascinating to me. Don't ask why, but I am sure most psychological professionals would have many theories. Anyway, I feel the need (as a pathetic on-looker) for frequent Hollywood gossip fixes - usually via USWeekly, In Touch Weekly and Star magazines. The Rags are full of interesting, up-to-the-minute Hollywood tomfoolery - and I LOVE IT. ("It's my thing. Leave me alone.") I have recently discovered a new source of inane Hollywood bs - PerezHilton.com. Now, I don't want to ruin it for you (cause I know you're curious!), but it's not just the amount of daily gossip that is being disseminated -it is the shear bitchy nature with which this information is conveyed! AND -- to top it off, Perez (actual person. he is a caddy, fat, ugly queen - but he's fabulous) has this white pen...and he uses it to enhance celebrity photos and not in a flattering way most of the time. OK. So there it is. I put it out there. My shameful new obsession. And I am not apologizing for it.

Astronauts...Flying Drunk

Wow. Kudos to NASA. Have they had a rough ride the past 20 years or what? They cannot seem to catch a break! First they kill a teacher. Then 8 more astronauts meet their untimely fate ON THE WAY HOME from a mission - they were like 15 minutes from landing. Between technical and mechanical problems to administrative blunders, you'd think NASA was being run by the United States federal government!! Oh wait.... Now NASA announces that they are investigating the possibility that some astronauts actually flew missions.... drunk. Is anyone else as intrigued as I am about this? Seriously - drunk? Do you know the process these elite must undergo just to be considered for the astronaut program? It's on par with Navy Seal training - but with cooler rides. I am anxious to see where this investigation goes... however, let's be honest. What is the real concern here? Shuttle fender benders? Stay tuned for more, says CNN.

OK - I know some of my imaginary readers have requested more information on my so-called love life. And, as I am here to appease, I will regale you with one humorous tale of recent socializing with a member of the opposite (although that status is up for debate)...
Back in April, I met this guy at a bar one random night and we hit it off I thought - at least that's what I thought the sloppy make-out session against the wall outside the bar indicated. Alas, I ended up sticking to my morals (LOL) and going home alone. We exchanged numbers (mistake #1) and he promised to call later that week. * Side note -- turns out I went to college with the guy; he was a year ahead and made-out with one of my friends in the backseat of a car I was driving my junior year (friend shall remain nameless). By the end of the week, I had not heard a peep and, because I don't follow "The Rules" (stupid marketing ploy), I text messaged him (thought it was a safe approach - and mistake #2). Here are the transcripts:
Me: Do you remember me from Friday night? Him: You mean Saturday night? Me: Oh yea! LOL! (cyber giggle) Him: Of course hun! (uggggghhhhh) Me: Good... Him: I'm going outta town till Wed. Lets get together when I get back Me: Ok cool. Call me...

Seems fairly routine and harmless (with the obvious exception - he "hun"ed me!) So...yada yada yada - he TEXTS, not calls me, at some point later the next week and we end up setting up a date. Meet at Sushi House for sushi and saki - a very metro date. And yes, he did text saki, but he did not say "saki to me!" as I anticipated he would. Here it is - my first date in a very long while with a cute, professional guy who meets my height requirement (over 5ft11) and has good teeth, to my drunken recollection. I'm dressed rather casual, jeans and a new black Banana blouse that I thought accentuated my two positive assets without letting the loose, if ya know what I mean! I meet him there - he's waiting for me at the sushi bar. He looks cuter than I remember - jeans, crisp, white button down, black blazer. And then --- I made mistake #3. I looked down at his feet. He was wearing.... brown cowboy boots. It doesn't even matter how the evening transpired. Although I know I had fun (practically injected martinis into my veins to numb the disappointment) and we ended up getting silly (yes he stayed over -- ON THE COUCH), I could not get the image of those tattered, pointy, hideous creatures that had taken over this cute guy's feet. He was funny and smart, a little full of himself, and otherwise seemingly normal - but the shoes!!! OH the shoes...

Long story short (ha) - before he left, he told me that he had a great time (lies) and that he would definitely call me the following week (more lies). While I was excited at the prospect of another actual adult date (now I'm lying), I couldn't stop thinking about his schizophrenic fashion sense. Great upper portions... but what was going on below the knee!? Perhaps it was written all over my face. Maybe I was ranting in my sleep. Or maybe it was when, 4 martinis in, I interrogated him about the boots. "Why?" I vaguely recalled asking. "Why would you torture your feet that way? And me while you're at it?" You don't like them, I think he might have said. My reaction involved snorting and the spilling of my martini. So maybe my true feelings had actually been more transparent than I had thought...

Sure enough, he did NOT call. Or text. And neither did I because -- c'mon. Let's be honest. I'm not sporting Prada or Gucci here, but to be seen with Cowboy Boot Guy? Not a chance. Although I ran into him back in June (I avoided eye contact), I feel pleased to have dodge that fashion nightmare of a bullet. To seal the deal, though if I had ever second guessed myself, I saw him yesterday as I was driving by in a cab - skateboarding with a group of 12 year olds (he's 32) at the local skate park. What was he wearing, you ask?.... hehehe...

My first blog...as a sassy girl

So it occurred to me today, as I sit on my couch mindless flipping through a magazine and pretending to watch a "what not to wear" re-run on my favorite channel, that I have comedic tendencies. That's right. I believe myself to be quite humorous at times. Mostly I just amuse myself, but every once in awhile a friend will laugh heartily at my witty social commentary or my inane observations of the goings-on around us. And I think... huh, perhaps I should parlay this entertaining wit into something constructive - and, dare I say, lucrative. Then I realize that is just absurd, that I'm no stand-up comedian, but rather just a disarmingly charming, funny and in fact cute 30-something with things to say. Actually, I'm not really a "30-something" - just a "30"... At any rate, since I'm laid up with a bum knee and quite frankly getting tired of watching "TNT's Primetime in the Daytime" line-up, I thought -- why not share my random thoughts on the universe WITH the universe?!? Or, more specifically, to the 8 friends I know will read this....

OK - the knee. I busted my knee up Monday night playing soccer. Yes, playing soccer. Yes, I still play. Yes, I know I'm in the 30 + bracket and that I am no Mia Hamm. It's great exercise, I love the sport and there are tons of cute British boys swarming all over the soccer facility (I'm a sucker for an accent). So...yada yada yada - here I am, waiting for an MRI and the final prognosis on the state of this very complicated joint (the largest joint in the body, fyi). What can you do? In the grand scheme of things - it is certainly not the worst thing that can happen. People (and by people, I mean people you read about in "Ladies Home Journal" and see on "The View" or being interviewed by Tyra Banks) go through much worse -- like the woman Tyra recently interviewed who was born with such toxic halitosis that she has at the age of 34 never been on a date, kissed a boy or been touched by a member of the opposite sex! I mean, can you imagine!? Your breath is so rancid that you can't go out in public?! I don't understand modern medicine though. We can treat the common cold, foot fungus and vaginosis - but we can't get this woman an industrial strength Altoid?! I digress though... the knee.

So for the time being I am on crutches and in a brace and not moving much from my couch. It is a new look for me - one I haven't tried recently - and I am sure it will be a hit with the mens. It's really eye pleasing and I suspect a great conversation starter. So in case I was worried about this summer turning into a social bust, I think this little turn of events will work in my favor! Especially considering the endless parade of attractive and available men through my living room, where I will be remanded to for the foreseeable future.

For now, I take pleasure in the little things - my central air, re-runs of "Scott Baio is 45 and Single", internet access, iTunes, freshly laundered towels, family and 2 (nameless) friends that are willing to transport my ass around whilst incapacitated, and of course - the chilled bottle of Kettle One in my freezer. Look forward to more incoherent ramblings on such topics as my knee, men and recycling, Stacey and Clinton from "What Not To Wear", the Brits, Tyra (cause she's hilarious), alcohol consumption, weight loss, living in a city, Carrie Bradshaw and Discover Card.